petition to remake all of the twilight movies where everything is the same except that bella is played by john mulaney who has not been given a script and just has to deal with these circumstances as they come.
john: (walks into the classroom)
edward:
john:
don’t u mean
I DIDNT KNOW I NEEDED THIS
Omfg I’m dying
*Edward comes into Bella’s room that one night to creepily kiss her in order to test his self-control*
Edward: I just wanna try one thing. Be very still…don’t move.
John as Bella: *flops to the ground and kicks upward to fight off attacker according to the infinite wisdom of Detective JJ Bittenbinder*
Edward: My family, we’re different from others of our kind. We only drink animal blood, but it’s your scent. It’s like a drug to me. It’s like you’re my own personal brand of heroine.
‘childhood is when you idolize Batman adulthood is when you realize that the Joker makes more sense’ - this is the most Reddit thing I’ve read all day.
Childhood is idolizing Batman, adolescence is thinking the Joker is right, adulthood is realizing that Gordon absolutely doesn’t get paid enough for this shit
talking to my dad is a freaking minefield. Today at dinner I asked him if he’d ever been to New York City in the 90′s and he was like, “nope. Only in the 70′s to donate blood for my mom in the hospital while she was dying from leukemia.” I swear I didn’t even know my grandmother had leukemia (may she rest in peace). This is worse than the time I asked him if he’d ever had riding lessons and he said, “not since my childhood lesson pony burned to death in a barn fire in Kentucky.”
he just did it again! I was making small talk while we were carrying in the groceries like, “yeah I have a taser in my purse but I’ve never gotten to use it,” and he goes, “I’ve been tasered before it’s not fun. Neither was waterboarding.”
wtf dad
latest edition:
me: I found a bottle of vic’s vapo rub in the cabinet that expired in 2002 but it was fine.
my dad: Oh I don’t touch that stuff but guys I worked with used it to mask the smell of bodies that’d been dead for a while.
